I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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