she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
