Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
