If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
