I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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