Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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