I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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