Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Boobs speak an international language.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
