I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize