I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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