Yo dont text me then not text me
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
