True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize
