I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
