i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i was born a porn star she said
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
