Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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