i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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