Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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