Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
