I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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