tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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