we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
