I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
