State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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