He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize