life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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