Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
