So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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