So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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