remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
