aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
