Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
