I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
