3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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