I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
