I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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