**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
