I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
the raccoons are back...
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