dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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