I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
well you can't waste a boner
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
