so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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