So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
