new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
