im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
