Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
