i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
