Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
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