I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
