Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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