I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize