Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
