Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
