It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
All I want is dick and wine.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
