a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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