Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
