And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
