Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Everything about him screamed your future.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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