My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I accidentally burped into my bong.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
