I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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