i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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