In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize