why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
