I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
