I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
