Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Houston, we have a blender
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
