how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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