you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
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