my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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