My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
A bitchslap is in order.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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