rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
